I am drawn to large bodies of water.
Like a pulse, like a trance
The clear blue rhythm of the waves
Pulls my soul into its deep blue core—
I’ve become Ophelia herself.

Sitting in front of the ocean
The waves ripple across my bare feet.
The lines across them reflect a canvas—
A painting instilled by my unhappiness
Like the words I couldn’t express
Or the breeze touching my cheeks, a reminder of pain
The lingering feelings splashing inside my heart
Or even your sorrowful face, that turns me into Ophelia.
They all dye its waves with quiet, ever-present melancholy.

As a child, swimming was a passion
One I spent much of my youth on
Always wanting to improve myself
Being enveloped by the cold pool water around me
And the sweet smell of Chlorine entrancing me.

But one day, I became afraid of it
A new temptation made its way into my ears
I heard an ethereal voice that whispered
So motherly, yet so cold:
“Swim until you graze the bottom.”
I pushed myself as far as I could.
I couldn’t think of anything else that drove me
As strongly as that unfeeling caress did—
I just wanted to touch the bottom.

At first it was just the deep end
But I still felt a longing
A desire to go farther down than I had before.
Then one day I aimed deeper, a lake nearby
Until eventually I set my sights on the ocean
The largest expanse my eyes could reach.

But when I swim into that landscape
Something inside me breaks—
I find comfort inside the dark blue abyss
The water envelopes my senses
No sound, no sight
Only cold, pressure, and silence
And as I grow accustomed to this feeling
I realize deep inside—
I didn’t want to swim back up
My body was just desperate to get air

I stopped swimming eight years ago
I was afraid that feeling was overtaking me.
I knew that if kept my thoughts low
My soul would be stuck in that cold watery scene.
But when I find myself wrought with unhappiness
My hands cup over my ears
And try to replicate the same feeling
Of my blue darkest comfort.
Even though I was afraid
That I would disappear inside that ocean
My mind always wanders back to it anyways—
The longing which gets stronger
Each passing ripple.

I wonder what it means to disappear.
I think it means leaving yourself behind—
All the parts of you physically present.
It means completely distilling yourself into nothingness
A cessation of existence
An escape from your daily life.

Remnants of you will still exist.
Small traces of where you were
Your room filled with all sorts of trinkets
Photos that friends and family keep of you
Videos of you that have been shared online
Things you’ve drawn or wrote across the years
The feelings of others when they think of you
And the version of you that exists in them even after you leave—
But none of those matter
When all you can think of is that feeling calling you again.

Sitting in front of the ocean
The waves ripples across my bare feet
The breeze touches my cheek
And I start making my way towards the deep blue
Entranced by its beauty
Just like Ophelia was.
I haven’t swum in eight years.
I wonder if today is the day
Where I can finally touch the bottom.

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“Two hands forever tied together
Right now, please answer this voice of mine”
— nATALIE – LEMM.
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Til we meet again, on the starlit sea…