I’m here
I’m right here —
Why are you here?
What does it mean to exist here?

It’s a question that doesn’t seem to have much of a beginning or an end, an answer that we can’t uncover without searching, but one we may not find until a moment so crucial to us that finally each separate puzzle piece you’ve been carrying with you slots itself into creating the ultimate answer — a validation of your existence, the proof you were here. I often wonder to myself…what is the reason I’m here? Is it okay that I am here?

I’ve run into this phrase quite often — many works that I cherish make use of it, especially ones that have shifted my own worldview or given me somewhere to find tranquility in hectic periods in my own life. Each of these gives their own answer to what it mean’s to be here — to exist, right here. I wanted to write something spur of the moment about how each of these works uses the phrase, and the different meanings across it — a rather brief ramble, but one I felt like outputting anyways.

In Kara no Kyoukai, the character Tomoe Enjou asserts the proof of his existence in choosing to sacrifice himself to protect the fragility of his relationships — to honor the family he loved who didn’t deserve their fates, and to see the woman he cherished the most one final time. Despite knowing this sacrifice would be “Worthless”, as that was the nature of his existence, he still believed the action itself had meaning and acknowledges to himself in his last moments that he “existed right here” while catching the sight of that woman one final time.

Enjou does not leave anything physical behind — he does not change the structure of the world or do something grand in his actions. But his decision allows those around him to take action, wanting to believe that despite everything his action was truly right and just — and that even if it changed “nothing”, it still had meaning — what Enjou leaves behind in asserting his existence is the values he believed in and how they inspired one to act.

In Gunnm (More commonly referred to in the west as Battle Angel Alita), the protagonist Gally (Alita in the west) proclaims in the final chapters of the original ending the words: “I’m right here. I lived right here.”. In this moment, she asserts the proof of her existence by taking an action she know will alter the course of the world around her, at the cost of her own autonomy and individuality — at the cost of her own existence. By proclaiming the words, she acknowledges in her last conscious moments the value in her life and all of the experiences that lead up to this last moment, knowing she will leave behind a physical proof of her existence by choosing to sacrifice herself to become part of an entity that will restore the world — even knowing that action will only be recognized by those closest to her, she finds meaning in the decision anyways.

But both of these are just examples of what kind of answer we can reach. To ask yourself why you are here carries such a strong weight. No one is ever truly sure of themselves, even when we want to believe we can see the path in life we’re taking. Things like chance, fate, destiny…we are able to understand these words, but we aren’t able to see that path we’re walking — so how do we find our own meaning?

Shinji Ikari posits a question to himself in a crucial moment at his lowest hours in The End of Evangelion: “Is it okay for me to be here?“. Having suffered throughout the length of the show, Shinji can only ask himself what the meaning of his existence is — what the value in living, the value in being surrounded by those he loves, or even all of the experiences he’s been through is. Unable to receive an answer, and not realizing he has to find one himself, he emotionally breaks down until he recognizes the weight of his actions and strives to find his own meaning.

We search for the meaning in our lives, because we want to find ourselves — whether that is through others, or through our own selves — what do we leave behind when we pass on? What is it we leave behind now, throughout our lives? Is there a meaning in our lives if we don’t give something in return to what others give to us?

Each of these questions is something at the core of what I want to write about — where I want to go, who I want to be, the places I want to travel to…the people I cherish who I want to protect at all costs or pray I can surround myself with for as long as I can…all of these are why I continue to try to find that answer.

But every day is so difficult. You can only find those answers when you yourself finally sit down and realize them for yourself — others can help you, but their words have to be trusted in by you, the individual trying to gaze into the mirror now and search for your own self. Even though it’s hard…even though each day, everything around you is crumbling and you can’t really explain why — even though each passing moment you just wish all the pain would go away — there’s a meaning in this struggle, isn’t there? Everything happens for a reason — there is a meaning — if others can have one, you deserve one too.

Gazing into the that starlit void one more time, I ask it knowing full well I will only receive silence…”Is it okay for me to be here?”
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“we, who cry and shout and vanish…are alive…we exist, right here…”

Til we meet again, on the starlit sea…